This is a stick-up! Oh, and uhhh, “Save the Earth”, too.

I’m in St George right now and while at a red light I took this picture:

Can you believe that! I could see the exhaust from a block away. I bet the exhaust from that car has already wafted over to some country in Africa, taken over the government there, ruined their currency, eaten some poor homeless child’s food, then suffocated him to death… twice! The nerve!

It’s become clear to me that if you pollute, you hate children, Africans, and obviously you ‘just don’t understand what you’re doing’, so I’m going to have to regulate everything you do so I can get my way or I’ll throw a tantrum (oops, did I just say that in my out-loud voice?).

So, in an effort to curb this destructive force that threatens us all with extinction and everything else bad in the world, I’m going to unselfishly start selling carbon offsets.

If you don’t donate, very bad things will happen. For example, what’s the worst thing in the whole world that could happen to you? (think of an answer) RIGHT! That’s exactly what I was thinking! That’s exactly what will happen if you don’t do everything I tell you to do. Now do you understand, simpleton?

Also, your donations will insure that I cease burning Styrofoam, tires, and small bugs with a magnifying glass. Keep in mind, if you don’t donate, it will be your fault that New York is hazy, children in Africa starve, Iran tries to nuke Israel, and every other bad thing in the world. Please act now or I’ll add you to my list of people going to hell!

Let me know how much you’d like to donate. Oh, and pay no attention to the fact that I start driving in a convoy and flying in private jets. Al Gore told me not to worry and that it doesn’t actually contribute to ‘global warming’, since it’s a scam and just a way to take $ from people.

Have a nice day.