The Taser

(Note from Nate): I did not write this but I found it extremely funny as I have recently purchased a similar device for myself and my wife as is described in the story below. Just a suggestion, do not read with a full bladder. Enjoy!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best ….

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …

HOLY … WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE …..!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second
burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my
testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S… My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Thief-in-Chief

Uncle Obama

Harry Reid, Gardener Extraordinaire

Springtime is upon us! It’s almost time to get out there in the yard and start to cultivate and grow stuff. WooHoo! I love this time of year. I love the smell of cut grass and damp dirt.One thing I’ve always found a little funny is the types of food plants like. Who would have thought that if you put crap on plants it grows better. Who thought of that?! That first time was a little risky if you ask me.

Unfortunately, the way you get a good crop from plants is the exact opposite way that you get a good crop of people. We’ve all heard the proverb, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”
If people are surrounded crap they stink. And all us normal people don’t want to be around them. And when they get all their ideas from crap, their ideas are crap. And when there ideas are crap, we normal people want nothing to do with them.

Harry Reid, you and your ilk are CRAP!

Harry flanked by evil bastards Chuck Schumer and Chris Dodd

You have surrounded yourself by evil people. You believe their crap and now want to make us eat their crap. The bad news for you, Harry, is that we’re people, not plants. But I do concede that you would be one hell of a gardener, what with your talent for finding the rottenest, stinkiest crap in the world. Too bad you picked politician/evil bastard as your career choice.

I really try to reserve judgment on people most of the time, especially if we disagree politically but have similar religious beliefs. That’s a sensitive area. But this week after reading comments -by comments, I really mean self-proclaimed delusions- by Harry about the passage of the Heath care abomination. I had to wonder how two people who agree on the majority of religious issues can be so at odds with governmental issues. The conclusion I came to is that… I have no idea. I cannot understand how Harry can reconcile his morality with the immorality of this legislation, not to mention the horrific corruption of the process.

The bottom line is that I can no longer give Harry a ‘pass’ that we just disagree on some issues. I think Harry is a bad dude. Look who he is surrounded by. Socialists. Liars. Criminals! They would be in jail if they had to abide by the laws they set. Look at the fruits of his works. Look at the means to his ends. Crap. Crap. And crap.

Harry, you are an evil bastard. I’ll let Ted Kennedy know to save you a seat in case he hasn’t already.

Gotta love Ted!

Even if you don’t care about hunting – Gotta Love Ted!!!

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, ‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, ‘Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.’
The interview ended.

Darwin Awards!

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed.  Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her..

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from   Harare  to   Bulawayo  had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies claiming they were not mad but had been picked up by the driver. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas man wanted some beer pretty badly so he decided he’d throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block hit the window, bounced back hitting the would-be thief on the head and knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on the stores CCTV.

8. As a female shopper left a  New York  store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the thief. They put him in the patrol car and drove him back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said that these weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away again. – THIS WAS AWARDED THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near vomit and spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man had admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he pushed his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember…. They walk among us!!!*** And They Breed  ……   Be very afraid!!

WWJD?

I was pretty upset a few months ago when the House passed the Cap and Trade bill. And then on Saturday night the House snuck through their Health Care bribery package. (I love their Saturday ram throughs) My knee-jerk reaction was to be upset about that, too. Anything that I view as a rights infringement, a government power grab, or a step toward socialism usually makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I realized that my decisions were based on my gut reaction. Because of this I have developed a completely objective hierarchical system to determine what my reaction/feelings about issues should be. You just simply progress down the list until the reasonable answer becomes apparent.

Let me demonstrate: Health Care bill (aka thinly disguised socialism and bribery)

1)WWJD?

That’s right. What would Jack do. I’m pretty sure Jack Bauer would take members of Congress hostage and waterboard them until they confessed that they were, in fact, evil bastards who had ulterior motives about the passage of this bill. Since that’s not really an option for me, I’ll move on…

2)WWWD?

What would Wolverine do? Hmmmm. I’m really not sure what he would do in this situation. But whatever it is, I’m sure it would be awesome.

3)WWFD?

What would France do? Well, we know what they did. They have socialized medicine. It sucks. France sucks. They have contributed nothing to society, unless you count the several times they “donate” their country to maniacal dictators. Any non-Frenchie know that in every instance we want to do the exact opposite of whatever France does.

That solves it. If France is for socialized Health Care, I’m against it. See. Completely logical. I don’t know why more people can’t understand things that are so simple.

Muhammad

Dear D.C. sniper-

You been bad. You got some splainin’ to do!

We are all here on this earthly journey to prove ourselves and live good, productive lives according to our conscience and respectful of the rights bestowed by Almighty God. I’m sorry you used your agency for evil. You snuffed out the lives of many. You are a terrorist. You deprived many of their right to choose. You ruined many lives. You are an evil person. You were put to death this evening. Justice will not be fully served until some time in the future when God’s infinite power makes things right. I don’t understand it, but I have faith it will be so. Until then, this is the best form of justice we can serve.

When I take a position on an issue I usually try to envision myself on both sides of an issue. Then I decide what I would be willing to endure from both perspectives. My stance on the death penalty solidified when Mark Hacking killed his wife. I decided that if I were in his shoes, I would seek the death penalty for myself. I believe my execution would be the closest form of repentance/restitution… to give my own blood for the blood taken. Life, according to my understanding, has no purpose once you’ve committed a crime as heinous as intentional murder. There’s no reason to prolong a judgment that’s already been made.

I support the death penalty for cold-blooded murderers. I believe it’s the best option for society and the individual both here in this life and in the next. I believe that murderers receive an automatic “F” in this earthly test. There is no second chance for someone who is so dark they would violate the most precious rule we have: the rule of life. They cannot repent and make restitution in this life for something so grievous. They will have to pay for what they did on the other side.

PS- Say ‘Hi’ to Teddy for us and tell him that they’re still trying to pass his health-care abomination. Ask him if it was worth it…..

 

Hate Crimes

I always understood that white straight males had the advantage in this country. Maybe all you politicians didn’t get the memo when you discriminated against me with your “equal opportunity” and “affirmative action” bullcrap. Now hate crimes, too? C’mon!

In all seriousness, I just wanted to take a quick second and thank all the moron politicians who voted for hate-crime legislation. Now, for some reason, it is more grievous to commit crimes against people who aren’t straight and white. WTH! My life is worth less now because I’m pasty and I don’t sleep with dudes. Awesome.

I’m glad you’ve all finally figured out that the only reason black/brown/yellow/gay/etc people have crimes committed against them is that they’re different from their perpetrator.

What I can’t figure out is this: Am I not a politician because I’m too smart….. or to dumb? Hmmm.

Moral Hazzards

Whose side are you one? Founding Fathers or Marx/Stalin/Hitler/etc?

I’m so sick of hearing all about how evil capitalism is! How many wars has capitalism started? How many people does capitalism oppress? How about governments? Hmmm…?

Most of the problems we are facing today have less to do with capitalism and more to do with government meddling and manipulation. But the government, true to form, will always place the blame elsewhere.

Capitalism (true capitalism, not this govt-regulated-to-death capitalism) is the most just and fair system this world has ever seen. A capitalist system benefits the productive and industrious. A non-capitalist system coddles the useless and lazy. The argument against capitalism is always that self-interest is bad. Opponents of capitalism are wrong in their reasoning. A critical factor is left out of their equation: self interest, for most people, includes morals (this is why morals/religion in a free/capitalist society is critical).

Here’s something to think about:

There are those who say that we need government involvement to ensure fairness and morality. Saying that politicians will prevent corruption and increase competition is the biggest paradox I’ve ever heard. The trap is that men make mistakes. Men in government are not immune to corruption and mistakes. HA! I would even say there’s a 100% probability of politicians making worse and dire mistakes than a businessman whose livelihood depends on being fair and competitive.

Even if there is immorality and corruption in business, the beauty of true capitalism is that those businesses will fail once their deeds are exposed. If government controls industry, you can no longer choose to not participate. They cannot go “bankrupt” or “out of business.” They don’t have to be competitive or make a profit. You can’t sue them. They can’t go to jail.

Seriously, think about the consequences. The government always screws things up worse than they say they will.

Jackass

I’ve always thought it funny and I can’t really figure out why the Democrats “mascot” is a Jackass…. Hmmm, maybe I’s jist too dum. 😉