The Taser

(Note from Nate): I did not write this but I found it extremely funny as I have recently purchased a similar device for myself and my wife as is described in the story below. Just a suggestion, do not read with a full bladder. Enjoy!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best ….

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …

HOLY … WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE …..!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second
burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my
testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S… My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Gotta love Ted!

Even if you don’t care about hunting – Gotta Love Ted!!!

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, ‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, ‘Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.’
The interview ended.

Darwin Awards!

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed.  Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her..

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from   Harare  to   Bulawayo  had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies claiming they were not mad but had been picked up by the driver. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas man wanted some beer pretty badly so he decided he’d throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block hit the window, bounced back hitting the would-be thief on the head and knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on the stores CCTV.

8. As a female shopper left a  New York  store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the thief. They put him in the patrol car and drove him back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said that these weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away again. – THIS WAS AWARDED THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near vomit and spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man had admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he pushed his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember…. They walk among us!!!*** And They Breed  ……   Be very afraid!!

WWJD?

I was pretty upset a few months ago when the House passed the Cap and Trade bill. And then on Saturday night the House snuck through their Health Care bribery package. (I love their Saturday ram throughs) My knee-jerk reaction was to be upset about that, too. Anything that I view as a rights infringement, a government power grab, or a step toward socialism usually makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I realized that my decisions were based on my gut reaction. Because of this I have developed a completely objective hierarchical system to determine what my reaction/feelings about issues should be. You just simply progress down the list until the reasonable answer becomes apparent.

Let me demonstrate: Health Care bill (aka thinly disguised socialism and bribery)

1)WWJD?

That’s right. What would Jack do. I’m pretty sure Jack Bauer would take members of Congress hostage and waterboard them until they confessed that they were, in fact, evil bastards who had ulterior motives about the passage of this bill. Since that’s not really an option for me, I’ll move on…

2)WWWD?

What would Wolverine do? Hmmmm. I’m really not sure what he would do in this situation. But whatever it is, I’m sure it would be awesome.

3)WWFD?

What would France do? Well, we know what they did. They have socialized medicine. It sucks. France sucks. They have contributed nothing to society, unless you count the several times they “donate” their country to maniacal dictators. Any non-Frenchie know that in every instance we want to do the exact opposite of whatever France does.

That solves it. If France is for socialized Health Care, I’m against it. See. Completely logical. I don’t know why more people can’t understand things that are so simple.

Jackass

I’ve always thought it funny and I can’t really figure out why the Democrats “mascot” is a Jackass…. Hmmm, maybe I’s jist too dum. 😉

Some funny videos

Big Government Health Care PSA

I Pledge! (this won’t be nearly as funny if you haven’t seen the I Pledge Hollywood schoolchildren indoctrination video)

Click here for John Stewart ACORN video

Disclaimer: bleeped out bad language, but still a little coarse. However, way funny and shockingly true.

Ted Kennedy

For more info on the wonderful man who was Ted Kenn..(I just threw up a little bit in my mouth)…edy, see my page Are you going to Hell?.

I just wanted to put some feelers out there real quick…. Anyone thinking of dying anytime soon? Anyone?

OK, well, if you know someone who is, will you kindly ask them to grab me one of those ‘take-a-number’ numbers for me? Being as popular and virtuous as he is, I’d like to at least get a few thousand years head start in the line to thank Mr Kennedy for his wonderful efforts in making our country what it is today.

Have a nice day! 😉

This is a stick-up! Oh, and uhhh, “Save the Earth”, too.

I’m in St George right now and while at a red light I took this picture:

Can you believe that! I could see the exhaust from a block away. I bet the exhaust from that car has already wafted over to some country in Africa, taken over the government there, ruined their currency, eaten some poor homeless child’s food, then suffocated him to death… twice! The nerve!

It’s become clear to me that if you pollute, you hate children, Africans, and obviously you ‘just don’t understand what you’re doing’, so I’m going to have to regulate everything you do so I can get my way or I’ll throw a tantrum (oops, did I just say that in my out-loud voice?).

So, in an effort to curb this destructive force that threatens us all with extinction and everything else bad in the world, I’m going to unselfishly start selling carbon offsets.

If you don’t donate, very bad things will happen. For example, what’s the worst thing in the whole world that could happen to you? (think of an answer) RIGHT! That’s exactly what I was thinking! That’s exactly what will happen if you don’t do everything I tell you to do. Now do you understand, simpleton?

Also, your donations will insure that I cease burning Styrofoam, tires, and small bugs with a magnifying glass. Keep in mind, if you don’t donate, it will be your fault that New York is hazy, children in Africa starve, Iran tries to nuke Israel, and every other bad thing in the world. Please act now or I’ll add you to my list of people going to hell!

Let me know how much you’d like to donate. Oh, and pay no attention to the fact that I start driving in a convoy and flying in private jets. Al Gore told me not to worry and that it doesn’t actually contribute to ‘global warming’, since it’s a scam and just a way to take $ from people.

Have a nice day.

Dear France….

Dear France,

OK, this is awkward…. Uh, please put your hands down. I’m just here to talk.

There. Thanks. OK. That was weird.

I just simply wanted to point out the popularity of the flag of your nation. Everyone sees it on a daily basis. Everyone uses it. It’s a symbol of cleanness and openness. It’s creativity. It’s productivity. It means something different to everyone. You are inclusive and contemporary. You are inoffensive. It takes on so many shapes and forms.

Long live France! (At least until the next time Germans fall asleep and let their govt try to take over the world)

Orrin frickin’ Hatch

When the Politicians aren't out in public

Well, Orrin, you had your chance but it looks like you’ll officially go down in history as the sucky Orrin. The best Orrin, better known as Orrin Porter Rockwell, is the clear winner. It’s too bad we can’t just replace you with him. I’m pretty sure he’d do some real house-cleaning back in D.C. Rockwell is one of my personal heroes. I’m disappointed that you haven’t lived up to his namesake.

You have turned into the exact thing you criticized Frank Moss for in 1976 when you first ran and were elected to the Senate. You argued (rightly so) that Moss had lost touch with his constituents. I further contend that not only have you lost touch, to use your own words, but you have also become part of the apparatus. Your voting record as of late reeks of extreme neglect, with the breaking point, for me at least, being your vote ‘for’ Cass Sunstein, the uber-radical (who is actually an evil Vulcan and distant relative of Spock and Timothy Geithner).

You and your buddies are making term limits seem like more of a good idea every day. After all, it can’t get worse!